Psychotic Jester

“You are Patrick Bateman.”

Said a girl once.

“There’s something wrong with you.”

At the time, I wanted other people to share in the misery I had come to experience in my short existence.

A cold, emotionless psycho.

I want.

You.

To feel.

What I.

Felt.

This desire often consumed and confused my young self.

I began to steal, and became a fairly good thief.  My point of view was, “if you were smart, which you clearly aren’t, you wouldn’t let me just take what I want.” And I wanted a lot.

Manipulation and deception became an obsessive passion.  It’s all a joke anyway…

alphadark emotionless psychoI often try to explore the effect that bullying can have on a person when they describe their experience.  As someone who went through this, it can inevitably result in a powerfully vindictive drive.

I’ve never had a mentor.  My father hardly taught me the essential lessons on being a man, so I had to figure it all out.  But if you get started down a dark path, it can take years to course correct.

Couldn’t fight.

Couldn’t talk to girls.

I knew this wasn’t the way it was supposed to be…  a deep seeded conflict of emotion.

But an emotionless psycho? Could I really have gone that far? Or was I just temporarily off-kilter?

At a young age, I had experienced unrequited love.  Freud and Nietzsche extensively covered the effect this can have on a person’s emotional state, inducing painful mood swings and overwhelming depression.

I like to describe my trial as “handcuffed” emotion rather than inability to express emotion.  I certainly could express emotion as a young man, but my situation left me in a peculiar but classic catch-22.

Think of your oldest or best friend, someone you would keep by your side walking the shit-stained walls of hell.

Think of the girl you love or loved the most – a once in a lifetime beauty with a unique and rare personality to kill for…a war bird…a Helen of Troy.

They are now one.  One in the same.

The devil holds out his hands…make a choice.

Take her and lose an old friend forever.

Let her go and embrace the mental anguish.

What do you do? What does the superior man do?

Years later, now half-monster, I wondered if I had made the right choice…if one existed.

I let her go.

The pain of… honor and loyalty…?… left a hefty scar across my soul.

Because I chose not to express deep, heartfelt emotion, I now lived as someone who could not express emotion in the slightest.

Smug.  Arrogant.  Narcissistic.

A walking dark triad.

I became obsessed with sex.  Watched a ton of porn as a young man.  The real, ultimate pleasure had eluded me, so I needed to make up for it by consuming or expending sexual energy hours on end.  A poisonous, insidious habit.

Real women – no connection there, not possible.

I was searchin’ for Harley Quinn.

“There’s something wrong with you,” a girl once said.

Patrick Bateman’s only “emotional” connection seemed to be music. He explores greatness at length, pontificating even.  He knows good music.  Why don’t others know damn it?

Some of the very best music builds up and explodes in a volcano of pain and joy.  The blues influence might be the single most powerful soul stealer.

Layla.  Black and white.

Much of today’s music has lost this in many respects.  It is too black, too white, or spit forth by a machine which by definition has no soul. Why the fuck don’t people see it?  This angered me to no end.

Most people do not truly understand how long term emotional pain causes one to change.

It is in clawing back from this experience that defines a man.

I experienced what it may be like to be an emotionless psycho, day in and day out.

I had no direction.  I cared about no one.  Thoroughly enjoyed deceiving and inflicting psychological pain.

The Joker’s position becomes oh so tempting and enjoyably sweet. Outbursts of laughter would come from nowhere, especially when I was at “work.”

I started this blog as a way to explore human emotion on both sides – the greatness from wisdom, and the appeal of psychotic manipulation.

Climbing out of a dark pit will change a man unlike any other experience out there.  Leaders are born.  Legendary feats chiseled into stone.

As I enter my 30th year of life, I’m Vader laying down next to Luke. I’m Jaime Lannister with one hand.

The superior man might just be the centered man.  Not the Jedi.  Not the Sith.

The man in the middle.

There were only two things I ever wanted in life.

One was a special girl.

The other was to be a guitar player in a rock band.

The first slipped away.  I made sure on the second.

2 Comments


  1. Touching post. You are a very good writer(and getting better). This is the kind of stuff I want to read more from you.

    Reply

    1. Thanks ZD. Your blog is quite interesting as well…I’ll be sure to stop over every once in awhile. Plenty of psychosis to go around…

      Reply

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